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WELCOME, <span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>PARKER PARRA<</timed>></span>.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>[[MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[MY OUTBOX]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2.5s t8n>>[[TRASH]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3s t8n>>[[PARTY TIME]]<</timed>></span>YOU HAVE <span class="pulse-in"><<timed .5s t8n>>8<</timed>></span> MESSAGES IN YOUR INBOX.
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>[[Subj: RE: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance|Message8]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>[[Subj: Computer Fix|Message7]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[Subj: Lost|Message6]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2.5s t8n>>[[Subj: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance|Message5]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3s t8n>>[[Subj: RE: ok nerds here’s my stream schedule|Message4]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3.5s t8n>>[[Subj: Continued Hostile Comments|Message3]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 4s t8n>>[[Subj: Further Action|Message2]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 4.5s t8n>>[[Subj: Recent Comments|Message1]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 5s t8n>>[[RETURN TO HUB.|Start]]<</timed>></span><audio autoplay loop><source src="https://cardzeropress.com/partytime.mp3" type="audio/mp3"></audio>
<img src="https://crabllchosting.neocities.org/partytime.gif">
<span class="secrettext">he lo? can a yb dy hear m ?</span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 10s t8n>>[[YOUR ALLOTTED PARTY TIME HAS ENDED.|Start]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="secrettext"><<timed 10s t8n>>hello?<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 20s t8n>>[[PLEASE LEAVE THE PARTY LOUNGE.|Start]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="secrettext"><<timed 30s t8n>>i'm trying to get through but i c<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 30s t8n>>[[YOU WILL NOW BE EJECTED FROM THE PARTY.|Start]]<</timed>></span>
<<timed 35s>><<goto "Start">><</timed>><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: pr@crabs.life
Subj: Recent Comments<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>To one Parker Parra,
It has recently come to our attention that you have been making several negative public statements regarding Crab™ LLC. and our business practices. We at Crab™ LLC pride ourselves on a friendly work environment & we ask that you stop these comments immediately. If you cannot comply with these orders we are regretfully required to take further action.
Profits Up,
The PR Office
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span>YOU HAVE <span class="pulse-in"><<timed .5s t8n>>4<</timed>></span> SENT MESSAGES.
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>[[Subj: RE: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance|Sent4]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>[[Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: please please please silv please|Sent3]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[Subj: RE: RE: please please please silv please|Sent2]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2.5s t8n>>[[Subj: please please please silv please|Sent1]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3s t8n>>[[RETURN TO HUB.|Start]]<</timed>></span>YOU HAVE <span class="pulse-in"><<timed .5s t8n>>5<</timed>></span> DELETED MESSAGES.
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>[[Subj: !IMPORTANT! REMINDER|Trash5]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>[[Subj: Smoke|Trash4]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[Subj: Re: Re: Luncheon Learn|Trash3]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2.5s t8n>>[[Subj: Re: Luncheon Learn|Trash2]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3s t8n>>[[Subj: Luncheon Learn|Trash1]]<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 3.5s t8n>>[[RETURN TO HUB.|Start]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: adatos35@crabs.life
Subj: RE: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>parker,
Seriously, can you take a look at my schedule? I'll even give you my login credentials if you think you can sort the damn thing out for me. Don't tell IT.
Help,
Adalberto Tosser
adatos35@crabs.life
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: it@crabs.life
Subj: Computer Fix<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>Dear Parra,
The IT Department investigated your report that your computer was “not working.” No fault was found. You reported being unable to access some resources. This is correct behavior. Please double check that your issues are real issues before reporting to IT.
Signed, IT.
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: adatos35@crabs.life
Subj: Lost<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>Parker,
I found your id in the hallway again. I put it on your desk (hope that’s still your desk, you should decorate it or something) so you dont get reprimanded again. You know how they get.
Adalberto Tosser
adatos35@crabs.life
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: adatos35@crabs.life
Subj: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>Hey parker,
It’s kind of a big ask i know, but i was wondering if you could take some of my meetings coming up? I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t <b>incredibly important that you take a look at this.</b> I’m double-booked and have no time off as it stands, so whatever you could grab would be a big help. Here’s a picture of my schedule:
<img src="https://crabllchosting.neocities.org/schedule.png">
Again, incredibly important that you look at this. Please help.
Please help,
Adalberto Tosser
adatos35@crabs.life
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: kw@crabs.life
Subj: RE: ok nerds here’s my stream schedule
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>
<i>Mon: 10-4 Flortnite, 6-9 Space Murder Vent Panic! [feat. M■■■ T■■■■■■■]</i>
<i>Tue: 2-10 Streaming Gacha Pulls from Crab™ LLC’s Promotional Mobile Game</i>
<i>Wed: 6-10 Space Murder Vent Panic! [feat. The Crabs!]</i>
<i>Thu: 8-11, 2-9 Streaming Gacha Pulls from Crab™ LLC’s Promotional Mobile Game</i>
<i>Fri: 3-9 Wild Breath Any% Spleedrun Attempts</i>
<i>Sat: 9-? Playoff Commentary</i>
<i>okay fine is this detailed enough for you? i swear you people can be so picky about the smallest details…</i>
<i>and can i PLEASE stop doing the gacha streams? everyone knows they’re fake, nobody can pull that many SSR nagomi (fridays swimsuit version) even if they “spent” as much money as i do on those streams. plus they’re SO long and it’s SO boring</i>
Hello Parra. This schedule will be fine. We will contact Mike, it shouldn’t be too hard to get him on board, since he's a known gamer. Your request to stop playing the Crab™ LLC Mobile Game™ has been denied.
Also, it has come to the notice of management that your engagement metrics have been down. Perhaps you should try saying ‘Poggers Parra’ more? Your complaints of this being “lame as shit” have been noted; however, if you are unable to drive numbers on your own then such things must be done.
Finally, in the future, please use proper punctuation and company-approved signoffs in official communication.
Profits Up,
KW
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: pr@crabs.life
Subj: Continued Hostile Comments<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>To one Parker Parra,
You have not complied with our previous demands & as such shall be subject to more routine security checks & less overall privacy. We also note that you have not completed Atonement Sheet #4151 (see previous message attachment) & as such you are hereby mandated to talk to Upper Management. These consequences shall not be reconsidered, even upon completion of Atonement Sheet #4151, due to your continued hostile comments in the workplace. If these comments continue, you will be required to talk to the People Optimal Operations Department, & further action will be handled by them, shall the need arise.
Profits Up,
The PR Office
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: Parker Parra
From: pr@crabs.life
Subj: Further Action<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>To one Parker Parra,
It has been made clear that your unsavory comments on Crab™ LLC. have not ceased. You will be receiving a penalty due to these actions & comments. This penalty may be reevaluated upon your completion of the attached Atonement Sheet #4151. If these comments continue, however, more severe consequences will be discussed. An intern will be coming to your desk to collect your chair within the hour.
Profits Up,
The PR Office
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO INBOX.|MY INBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: adatos35@crabs.life
From: Parker Parra
Subj: RE: URGENT PLEASE READ: Scheduling Assistance
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>lmao no sucks to suck
-pparra
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO OUTBOX.|MY OUTBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: silroa89@crabs.life
From: Parker Parra
Subj: RE: RE: RE: RE: please please please silv please
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>ok fine let me borrow your ‘horse’ then whatever call your chair what you want i truly don’t give a fuck i am IN HELL
Profits Up
P. Parra
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO OUTBOX.|MY OUTBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: silroa89@crabs.life
From: Parker Parra
Subj: RE: RE: please please please silv please
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>no silvaire i’m not talking about your horse i’m talking about a FUCKING CHAIR what don’t you get?????
Profits Up (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
P. Parra
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO OUTBOX.|MY OUTBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: silroa89@crabs.life
From: Parker Parra
Subj: please please please silv please
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>silv i haven’t had a fucking chair in like two weeks now thanks to pr holy shit my calves are KILLING me. silvaire. please. look ok if you’re scared about them seeing you share it with me i get it but can you just like. i dunno say you’re getting coffee?? and then sorta?? slide it over my way?? on “accident”?? im really dying over here i need some help
Profits Up (so i don’t get anything else taken from me,,,,,,,)
P. Parra
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO OUTBOX.|MY OUTBOX]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: all@crabs.life
From: announcements@crabs.life
Subj: !IMPORTANT! REMINDER
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>Here’s is your sept-hourly reminder that the only thing that matters is The Line going Up! Remember that just because you matter, doesn’t mean you Count! This is especially true for anti-matter and extradimensional entities. Any amount of brainspace being allotted to the concept of the previous statement existing as anything other than the Absolute Truth will be subsequently Counted.
Profits Up!
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO TRASH.|TRASH]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: all@crabs.life
From: security@crabs.life
Subj: Smoke
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>Hi All,
Please ignore the smoke! No need to leave.
Profits Up!
The Security Office
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO TRASH.|TRASH]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: all@crabs.life
From: events@crabs.life
Subj: Re: Re: Luncheon Learn
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>All,
We are amending the Luncheon Learn program. Employees are still encouraged to submit talks, but will have to be approved IN FULL by the Department of Topic Enforcement. Unapproved deviation from the program will be Noted and will have Consequences.
As an apology for today’s missed Luncheon, tomorrow’s (on the subject of Discipline) will be double-length. Please enjoy!
Profits Up!
The Event Planning Committee
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO TRASH.|TRASH]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: all@crabs.life
From: events@crabs.life
Subj: Re: Luncheon Learn
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>All,
Please stop asking if Luncheon and Learn is mandatory. The program does not require any action on your part to participate. We look forward to seeing you!
Profits Up!
The Event Planning Committee
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO TRASH.|TRASH]]<</timed>></span><span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1s t8n>>To: all@crabs.life
From: events@crabs.life
Subj: Luncheon Learn
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 1.5s t8n>>All,
Crab™ LLC is excited to announce our new Luncheon and Learn program! An exciting new way to continue business during those pesky feeding breaks! Scheduled topics include:
- Synergy
- Synergizing
- Business
- Profits
- Legs
- Sin-ergy
- Productivity
- Breaks (and how to avoid them)
- Synergies
- Corporate Structure
- Harmony Henderson: A History of Greatness
- Body Changes
- Sine-rgy
What’s more, you -- yes, you! -- can get in on the excitement! Sign up to share your strategies for growth and profits for the benefit of your fellow employees!
Lunchand Learns will begin today. Be prepared!
Profits Up!
The Event Planning Committee
<</timed>></span>
<span class="pulse-in"><<timed 2s t8n>>[[RETURN TO TRASH.|TRASH]]<</timed>></span>